One day at a time

The sanity prayer:

God grant me the sanity to recognize the things I cannot change, the sanity to change the things that I can, and the sanity to know the difference. (no disrespect intended to the serenity prayer.)

I have a confession to make: I am waiting for life to get easy.  I am waiting, to reach that place where the right choices come naturally, and with minimal heartache, and I can truly know that I have "got it".  I didn't recognize how insidious this was until just recently.  I realized it was insidious, because I was subconsciously trying to make it happen now. 

It begins to happen very slowly, over time and through dissapointments as you begin to adjust your response to your expectations.  "this shouldn't be so hard" you begin to think "I already learned this lesson."  And then your response begins to shape your expectations! 

My expectations need to be shaped by the reality of God and my relationship with him.

The book of James, toward the latter part of the New Testament, tells me that I will have "got it" when my endurance is complete.  This is just the opposite of waiting for life to get easier.  This seems to indicate that the better my attitude toward suffering is, the more complete I am.  Well, I checked several other versions and it appears that this is not a misprint.  

I am alluding to recent experiences, however shameful, that were necessary to root out some dysfunction that was laid deep in my foundation.   I had failed to develop a 'consistent' habit of drawing on God for emotional strength; so, while the spiritual ups and down had smoothed out and I was drawing on God regularly, when the major identity Crisis hit last spring (Perhaps this will be the subject of a later entry, perhaps not)) I had failed to develop that habit of daily strengthening myself.  This gave a way for the humanistic self-centered philosophies about mental health that I am daily saturated in to become imbalanced against the word of God, and begin to erode the carefully laid foundations in my thinking. 

My confession is this, I am human and I need the mystery of Christ in me.  I find that I am constantly warring with my inner thought life and trying to keep it from leaking out of my mouth.  However, I have faith that God will restore quickly what has been lost, if I continue to be faithful in prayer and reading the scripture.  The desire for righteousness remains; however, and now the will must once again be bent to it.

 

   

It has been a long week and this has been a hard bit to write.  To my two dedicated followers I am commited to blogging at least once a week on this spiritual Journey.  This was last weeks so look for something mid week.  Thanks for reading.

Desperation . . .

I have a new reason to read my Bible today.  Desperation.  I understand now why King David wrote "take not your spirit from me".  It was not to make a theological point, and not to provide academics something to argue about.  It was an act of desperation. 

I, like David, now understand how distracting "myself" can be.  I have woken up each day for the last week and prayed my own version of David's prayer; "oh Lord don't let me get so caught up in my own concerns that I stop feeling your Spirit!"  It has become an act of desperation to go to the Word of God, because praying alone hasn't cut it for me.  Praying and reading the Word of God is something that I can point to in my past and say "God was with me and I was growing."  Like using sunscreen, it has been proven effective.

So what is being a Christian, really?  It isn't trying to be better than others (it actually begins with the opposite: realizing that you can't be anything without God), and it isn't trying to follow a list of rules (read Romans and Galations the law [or rules] only points out our inability to be good.)  I often ask myself  what it means to be a Christian, and I believe that it really boils down to a couple things.  

1. I believe in the reality of God, his Son, and the sacrifice of the cross.  

2. that realization humbles me because the acts that it consists of were motivated by pure love.

 3. I love Jesus Christ and want to be with him and like him.

That is it.  Everything I do for Him is motivated by his love for me.  Of course, you understand that this is a little rougher in practice than it sounds.  But that is OK, because when I confess my errors and get back on the track of following him He reminds of how much he loves me.   What I mean to say is that it is not 'my love' that motivates me, it His love.  When I get past my own pride and insecurity, and fairly evaluate the relationship I have with Him, I am blown away by His love for me. In fact, I have learned that He thinks more highly of me than I do (which saves me the trouble of being boastful or proud).

Life is coming to grips with not being the center of the universe.  If I know that Jesus is the center of the universe, than I can personally accept that that position is being filled by another.  (most days)  :) 

This line of thinking always takes me to thinking about  God and what he is like, but I think that is  another discussion. 

Muddy Water

This blog is about not blogging.  I see people wearing a t-shirt at times that reads "more people have read this t-shirt than your blog". When I see this shirt I nod and think, one of these days I am going to blog again. . .  

It turns out there was a good reason that I wasn't blogging. I wasn't filling my mind and heart with God's word and with the thoughts and ideas of others I respect.  In short I was on spiritual and intellectual life support.  Why?  Because I had somehow managed to make my own self more important to me than God.  This may sound like weird talk or babble to you, but when I am focused on listening to God, knowing Him more, and doing his will; I feel like a weight has been removed from my chest.  When I focus on how bad I feel and what things I am currently resenting, I am mean to my family and not a very  nice person to be around.  God "met" me in worship this last week and put the kibosh on my crappy attitude.  

I have often prayed for a "revelation" from God (an overwhelming sense of his presence, a miracle, etc.) and from time to time he does just that.  This last week I had the most memorable experience of this type to date.  The details are mostly personal, but, in short, he caused me to feel the hearthurt that my attitude and behavior had caused Him.  WOW!!  I just have to Pause for a moment here to say how amazing that God actually thinks higher of me than I do.  When  I keep perspective in my own heart (He big, me small, Him see all, me see what is in front of my face) God is pleased, and says in his Word that he will bless me.  It really is a great deal for me!!  I find the Christian life to be exciting and always forward looking.  My relationships with people and family are richer and deeper than I could have imagined.  In short, I don't think of my life as being limited by a list of "rules".  I find my life to be defined by pleasing my savior. (the list just helps me to remember what pleases, and what doesn't.)

So . . . no more muddy water.  I hope to use this blog to journal the thoughts and ideas that come from studying the word of God, and what other men have had to say about it.

But, we'll see, right?